What Happens When Snape Plays Minigolf
by canarylongbottom
Summary: The Hogwarts Professors, and Harry and his friends, of course, decide to play mini-golf, but they get a little distracted... Warning: contains nonsense.
1. What Happens When Snape Plays Minigolf

**A/N: This story makes no sense. My friend and I wrote this around four or five years ago, and I found it way too funny to resist putting up. Please refrain from judging me on the premise of this story because I swear I am not as drunk as the writing sounds. In fact, I was not drunk at all.**

**The story was based on a dream I had one day, in which Professor Snape became my minigolf partner.**

* * *

The sun shone brilliantly as a group of adults stood in a rather colorful area. Children were shouting and balls were flying everywhere…golf balls, that is. Yes, indeed, it was the perfect day to play a nice game of mini-golf. Or at least, that's what the Hogwarts professors believed…

"Aha!" shouted a stern-looking woman triumphantly. "A hole-in-one! What do you say to _that_, Severus?"

A man with greasy black hair remained expressionless as he was addressed.

"Well done, Minerva," he said sarcastically, before taking a shot himself. The ball landed perfectly in the hole, just like Minerva's had. Severus smirked before retrieving his ball.

"Has anyone seen my golf club?" squeaked a short little man.

"It's over there, Filius." A short lady with a patched hat pointed behind the tiny man.

"Where—AH!" The short lady ran forward to help Filius, who had tripped over his own golf club. "Thank you, Pomona," he told her as she helped him up.

"Looks like it's my turn," grunted a gigantic man with a hairy face. He swung his club, but he accidentally let go, causing the club to soar off into the distance.

Severus scoffed. "Nicely done, Hagrid."

Meanwhile, Filius examined his golf club. Appearing dissatisfied, he ran up to the man at the counter and said, "Excuse me, sir, do you have a children's size? It's as tall as I am!"

The man peered over the counter and frowned. "Sorry, you have the smallest size."

Just then, a lady with large glasses and numerous shawls stepped up to the tee. Minerva crinkled her nose at the strong smell of cooking sherry.

"I predict that I will score a hole-in-one," the shawled woman said wisely. With that, she whacked the golf ball…which landed precisely in the pond.

The lady looked around awkwardly before saying, "Ah, I knew it all along! I just pretended to be dumb like you all, so as to fit in!"

Severus rolled his eyes after hearing these words but remained quiet. A second later, he jumped about a foot in the air as a voice screamed his name.

"Severus! LET ME TRY! I'm so _amazing_ at golf! I wrote a book on how to score a hole-in-one, you know." The voice came from a pompous and handsome blonde-haired man who wore a silly grin on his silly face.

Severus rolled back his lips in a sneer. "Lockhart, let's see what you can do."

Lockhart took Severus's club and crouched. He squinted and positioned his golf ball at what he believed to be the perfect spot. Then he stood up, wiggled his hips, and hit the golf ball easily with the club.

"You see, there it goes!" he yelled, but the other professors stared wide-eyed as the golf ball bounced off of a tree—only to hit Lockhart square in the forehead.

"Poppy, I think you will need to attend to Professor Lockhart straightaway," said a tall, old man with a long white beard. His blue eyes twinkled in the sunlight.

"No, that's okay," mumbled Lockhart, who was now stumbling around, cross-eyed.

The old man smiled. "I believe it is my turn." He swung his golf club with great speed and strength, and sparks flew as it collided with the golf ball. The others watched amazed as the golf ball landed…four feet away from the hole.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Nice one, Albus!" laughed Minerva and Severus together. They clutched at their stomachs and wiped away the tears that came to their eyes.

Albus turned around and said, "Oh, you two, winning is not _everything_."

Severus scoffed once more. "You're right; it's the _only_ thing." He aimed at his golf ball again and hit another hole-in-one.

"Calm down, Minerva," said Pomona, who looked at the steaming Minerva with a worried expression. "It's just a game."

Lockhart, who had finally recovered, then stood up and wailed, "Nobody appreciates my talent!"

"Nobody appreciates Sybill's talent, either," muttered Minerva.

"That's because neither Sybill nor Lockhart _have_any," said Severus.

"Ooh, _burn_!" Albus announced, dignifiedly.

Sybill's mouth fell open. "Albus, I cannot believe that you refuse to defend me! Well, that's it. I'm leaving!"

"Me too!" shouted Lockhart, and he strode off, arm-in-arm with the crazy lady with shawls.

"Oh, Hagrid, what's wrong?" asked Minerva, who just noticed the buckets of tears leaking from Hagrid's beetle-black eyes.

"It's—it's just…I BROKE ME CLUB!" he wailed.

Minerva looked at the others for support, but no one seemed to want to approach Hagrid, who resembled an extremely large and hairy baby. "It's okay, Hagrid..."

"Hey!" shouted Filius. The other professors, including Hagrid, turned to him. "I can use the broken half of the club!"

"Well," said Hagrid, whose tears were beginning to disappear. "I'm glad yeh can use it."

"Oh, hello, Horace. Would you like a turn?" said Albus.

A plump man with a thick mustache said, "Don't mind if do."

He bent over to place his golf ball down, but as he did so, the button on his pants popped off, knocked Pomona's hat right off her head, and his trousers fell down, revealing a pair of hot pink tightie-wighties with pineapples all over them. Horace turned the exact shade of pink as his underwear and immediately dived behind a bush.

"Did I just see a flash of pink?" uttered a newcomer. The others looked at this new man…if one could call him that. His eyes shone red, his pupils, like his nostrils, were slits, and the sun bounced off of his pale bald head.

"Hello, Voldemort," said Albus, who was now waving energetically.

"Do not speak to me!" he screeched. "I only talk to evil people! Look at my golf club! It's simply _brimming_ with evil!"

"It's _pink_, my lord," said Severus quietly.

"Exactly! Everyone knows that pink is the most evil of all colors! Like that man's underwear!"

Albus shook his head solemnly. "There are no evil colors. All of the colors are equal, except white, which is actually a combination of all the colors."

"YOU BEING RACIST, MISTER?!" yelled a young (Caucasian) kid, jabbing a finger at Albus.

"That's _Professor Dumbledore_ to you, SISSY!" Albus retorted, causing the kid to run away, crying for his mother.

"Hold on," said Hagrid, who was now whipping out a pink, floral umbrella. "My wand—er, I mean, my umbrella is pink!"

"IT MUST BE EVIL!" screamed Voldemort.

"Sir…it's got flowers on it…" Snape pointed out.

"MY EYES!" Voldemort screamed at the top of his lungs, "I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT SOMETHING SO _EVIL_!"

Pomona rushed over and examined the umbrella. "Oh, yes...this is a perfect example of _Prettius Daiselia_. Also known as the common daisy," she said matter-of-factly.

"Did you just make up that term?" asked Minerva.

Pomona blushed and refused to say anything, allowing silence to overcome the group.

Albus broke the silence. "Awwwwkwaaaaaarrrd."

Severus sighed and said, "This is becoming completely and utterly _boring_. I don't know why I came to play this abysmal game with all of you in the first place."

He walked into the nearby arcade but returned a few seconds later, dragging by the collar a black-haired and green-eyed boy with a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

"Trying to gamble underage, hm?" Severus said with obvious glee.

"OUCH! LET GO OF ME, YOU *%&( #*%&) #(*$*!" shouted the boy.

Severus released him and stared at him, his black eyes livid. "What did you call me, Potter?" he muttered.

The boy named Potter balked. "N-nothing. I just said, 'Hello, Snape.'"

"Call me 'sir'!" barked Severus.

Potter crossed his arms. "No."

"Are you badmouthing me?"

"No," Potter repeated.

"No, SIR," said Severus.

Potter smirked and said, "There's no need to call me 'sir,' professor. Deja-vu?"

Severus looked even more dangerous than ever. "Drop and give me one thousand push-ups!" he screeched.

"I will if you will!" retorted Potter.

Just then, a tall red-haired boy ran out of the arcade excitedly. "Hooray! I get to watch men doing push-ups! Come on, Harry! Take your shirt off!"

He turned around and spotted a girl with bushy brown hair. "Oh, Hermione, you're just in time for the show! Snape and Harry are about to get all sweaty! It's going to be brilliant!"

Hermione's eyes widened and she stepped away from the red-haired boy. "That's okay, Ron…I'll just be over here…avoiding you…"

"Okay, Hermione," said Ron. He returned his attention to Severus and Harry. "Okay, ready…GO!"

The men began doing push-ups until Hermione sighed and said, "No, no, NO!" She walked straight up to Severus. "You're doing it all wrong!"

"That's what she said!" said Albus.

Another silence engulfed the group as everyone's eyes turned towards Professor Dumbledore. Severus and Harry were so in shock that they stopped doing push-ups. Minutes passed, and Severus coughed awkwardly.

Finally Ron said, "What do you mean 'that's what SHE said'? I thought you were gay?"

"Ronald Weasley!" protested Hermione. "Do not question his sexual orientation!"

"Yes, Ronald," said Albus, nodding. "Do not question my orientation."

Harry leaned toward Ron and muttered, "He _is_gay, I'll never forget those lessons we had together…" His voice trailed off and he shuddered.

"Harry, you seem distressed!" shouted a new voice. The entire group turned their attention to a new man, who had apparently just jumped out of the bush behind which Slughorn had dived. "Eat this; it'll help!" he said, handing Harry a chocolate golf club.

"Thanks, Lupin!" said Harry gratefully.

"Loony, loopy Lupin!" cackled a poltergeist that floated inches above everyone's heads.

"Hey…" said Albus, who had suddenly recalled something. "Weren't we supposed to be playing mini-golf?!"

A red-haired girl who smelled of flowers appeared. "Hi, Harry," she said with a large grin.

"Ooh!" exclaimed Pomona. "Ginny smells like _Wonderfulis Rose…eus…_" she finished lamely.

Minerva frowned at her. "You made that up again, didn't you?"

But Pomona did not have time to answer because all of the men suddenly started staring off into space.

"Ron, _why are you drooling on my robes?!_ THESE ARE NEW!" shouted Hermione, but he appeared not to have heard her.

"Ugh," said Ginny, twisting her face into disgust. "_Phlegm_."

Hermione, Minerva, Pomona, and Poppy twirled around to look at what Ginny had spotted. A blonde-haired beauty pranced by, and all of the men (except Albus) were immediately captivated. The girls all sniffed disapprovingly, but this did not capture the men's attentions.

"Uh, Fleur," said Lupin, breaking out of his reverie. "Where's Bill? He hasn't been transforming into a wolf, has he?"

"'E iz simply at 'ome, enjoying ze steaks I 'ave made for 'im," she said throatily.

"Then why are you here?" snapped Severus, who was beginning to come out of his trance as well.

Fleur turned to him. "I 'ave been looking for my _ratatouille_!"

"Bless you," said Ron, who still stared, dream-like, at the girl.

Hermione rolled her eyes and said, "Ratatouille is a type of food. Don't you remember that movie we saw?"

Ginny walked over to Harry and punched him in the gut. He snapped out of his dream-like state and said, "Wasn't that movie about a rat?"

"WORMTAIL!" roared a handsome man with black hair that was quite long. He had jumped out of the same bush from which Lupin had appeared. "I MUST FIND HIM…THAT ACCURSED RAT!"

"Well, Fleur," said Albus, "It appears that Sirius knows where your rat is. Follow him."

Fleur sized up Sirius, threw back her hair, and allowed Sirius to escort her. The guys watched her go with sad expressions.

"Now what?" said Ron sadly.

Harry cocked his head to the side. "Why do people keep coming out of that bush over there? I wonder what they've all been doing."

Lupin froze and immediately said, "I—I've got to go…yes, er, Tonks must be needing…"

He left his sentence unfinished and Apparated away.

"That was weird," said Hermione.

Albus clapped his hands once. "I believe it is time for us to be returning back to Hogwarts. Follow me!"

"Party time!" shouted Voldemort, swinging his cloak above his head and running after Albus to the castle. "Anyone old enough to drink can come!"

The other professors followed Voldemort excitedly, but Hermione, Ron, and Ginny stayed behind with Harry.

"Argh, Ron, stop covering my eyes!" said Hermione, struggling.

Ron pulled back his arms and said, "At least _you_ didn't just have to see You-Know-Who…_without a cloak_."

"What's wrong, Harry?" asked Ginny, who had not been paying attention to anyone but the Boy Who Lived.

"I think it's time to get my Dad's old cloak out again," he said.

"What the—_you stole your dad's clothes?!_ You're just as bad as You-Know-Who!" exclaimed Ron, horror etched clearly on his face.

Harry ignored him. He pulled a large silvery cloak out of his pocket, threw it over himself and the others, and dragged them toward the bush….


	2. What Happens When Voldy Meets Britney

**A/N: I apologize profusely for the sheer amount of insanity that is this chapter, and this fanfic in general. JKR owns everything, thank goodness for that. This story was based on another dream.**

**Warning: This chapter contains one very ridiculous—and potentially horrifying—crackship. **

* * *

Harry dragged Ginny, Ron and Hermione, all of whom were hidden under the Cloak, into the very bushes from which Slughorn, Lupin, and Sirius had appeared.

There, resting on the floor, was a little purple-and-white bouncy ball.

"Nobody touch it! It's a Portkey!" warned Hermione.

"Whoa!" cried Ron. "It's purple…and white…and misty! It's _so_ girly…" He paused. "I like it!"

He reached out and grabbed a hold of the ball. Everybody shouted in despair, and grabbed Ron's hand before he could disappear.

"Ooh! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy ball! La-de-da-de-da, it's purple!" Ron started singing.

Hermione stared at Ron, aghast, but Ginny just shook her head. "He's the girl of the family, honestly. I should have traded places with him and been born as the boy."

Harry looked at Ginny, devastated, who hastened to say, "Oh, no, Harry don't worry. I'd never trade places because would Ron ever want to kiss a—_HOLY !#$#% WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING TAKING A STRANGE PORTKEY TO SOME UNKNOWN PLACE?_"

There was an awkward silence, which was only broken by Ron's "ooh"s and "aah"s about the misty purple stuff.

"Um. Yes, that's a good question, a very good question indeed. Harry'll answer for you, won't you Harry?" asked Hermione, prodding Harry in the arm.

"Yes. I will answer! Because I am the Chosen Boy Who Lived and Died and Lived Again!" announced Harry. Disregarding the others' stares, he continued.

"We have come on a mission to find out why Lupin and everybody popped in and out of the bush, and, um…Ron did it," he ended desperately, thinking of nothing else to say.

Ron stopped gazing at the beautiful purpleness at the sound of his name. "Well, now we know that they've been coming here."

"But where exactly is _here_?" asked Hermione.

Ron shrugged and walked straight into the dense purple mist that surrounded them. Hermione ran after him, and soon, both of them disappeared. Harry turned to Ginny, who shrugged and followed Ron and Hermione. The four of them ended up face-to-face with an almost identical bush as the one into which they had just jumped.

"Wait for me!" yelled Harry, sprinting after the others. When he finally caught up, he said, "Didn't I tell you to wait—hey, isn't that Dumbledore?"

Ginny stared. Then cried, "And is that…_YOU-KNOW-WHO_ he's talking to?"

Everybody stared disbelievingly at Voldemort. He was dressed completely in his favorite "evil" color. But if he had been wearing a pink suit, it would have looked a thousand times better than what he _was _wearing.

He wore a pair of pink pajamas with a faded print of fluffy white bunny rabbits. He was holding a heart-shaped pink pillow in his hands, and wearing a pair of pink bunny slippers on his feet. It could have been a bit believable as Voldy's normal nightie, but the utter strangeness of his outfit was magnified intensely by the pink clown-afro-wig he was wearing on his usually bald head.

"Yes, that's the Dark Lord," said Severus stiffly, popping up from behind a bush.

"What is it with people popping up from behind bushes?" asked Harry, bemusedly.

Severus, ignoring him, went on, "We couldn't help but overhear your conversation…"

"We?" asked Hermione, ever the perfectionist. "Sorry, Professor, but there only seems to be _one_ of you."

"Wait for it," muttered Snape.

A few seconds later, Minerva, Pomona, Filius, and Hagrid all popped out, one by one, from behind the same bush.

"How do they all even fit behind there?" asked Harry, going over and inspecting the back of the bush thoroughly. It seemed quite impenetrable.

"Anyway, as I was saying," said Severus sharply, "after the Dark Lord started waving around his cloak, those_ things_—" he spat the words out venomously, "—were the only other clothes he could find. It could have been worse, but he likes them. Anyway, I wanted to eavesdrop on the Dark Lord and Dumbledore."

Ginny scoffed. "With what? _Extendable Ears_?" she asked, meaning to be sarcastic, but she stepped back in shock as every single one of the professors pulled out Extendable Ears from their pockets.

Fred and George arrived from behind the bush too.

"Is there no end to the number of people this magical bush will supply?" asked Harry in despair, still inspecting the bush.

"Ginevra Molly Weasley!" said Fred, shocked. "You dare mock our Extendable Ears? I henceforth banish you from the Weasley family!"

"Oh give me a break, Fred-slash-George. I just couldn't imagine Hogwarts professors actually _using_ these things. I mean, Mum goes berserk just looking at them, and I thought they'd react the same way. I didn't think they'd actually _use_ them…"

"Of course we _use_ them, Miss Weasley!" snapped Minerva, ignoring the livid expressions on Fred's and George's faces. "What else will assist us in the eavesdropping on Voldemort and Dumbledore when they're having a sincere heart-to-heart? Now everyone grab one, and let us all eavesdrop together."

Without complaining, everybody grabbed a pair and started to listen.

"Ha, ha, ha! Oh, Tommy boy, this is just perfectly ridiculous! I mean, I have seen funny costumes in my time, and my time's been going on for the past one hundred and fifty years, but I've never seen something this ridiculous in my entire century and a half!"

"_Albuuuuuss_, I told you never to call me Tommy boy anymore!" Voldemort whined. "I'm evil now! And pink is the new black, so you're going to have to deal with it. All my girls do, anyway."

"So you think you're quite the ladies' man now, don't you?" scoffed Albus.

"I've always been a ladies' man, Albus," said Voldemort sternly.

Everybody holding an Extendable Ear gagged.

"Ha, ha, ha! Now that statement is more ridiculous than your outfit!"

"Why do you break your laughter into syllables, Dumbledore?" asked Voldemort suddenly. "It sounds…_sssssusssspiciousssss_…"

Everybody stared at Voldemort, even the people who couldn't see him.

"It's just my style, you know. Even Phineas knows that I have style."

And out from behind the bush popped the portrait of Phineas Nigellus, who nodded. Harry yelped and thoroughly re-inspected the area.

"Well I have style, too!" exclaimed Voldemort. "What is this?! An old wrinkle like you can have a style, and a young, cool (evil, by the way) dude like me can't? That's not fair! I mean, my style is just so _awesome_ that all the girls faint as I walk by!"

"They faint because he's the Dark Lord and he tried killing Harry, not because he's a _womanizer_!" muttered Ginny, to vast approval.

Albus continued as if he had not heard Ginny, because he had not heard Ginny.

"HA, HA, HA!" laughed Albus. "An old man like myself makes mistakes, but I think the biggest mistake I have ever made in my century and a half of existence was that of saying that your previous statement was more ridiculous than your outfit, because this statement definitely takes the bill!"

Everybody stared at Albus.

"What'd you just say?" asked Voldemort, confused.

"Your statement was ridiculouser than your previous one."

"Oh. Why didn't you just say that?"

Albus smiled serenely. "_Because it's my style_."

"And this," said Voldemort, pointing to his attire, "is my style. So don't cramp it. I'm sure at least one girl out there will fall for me in my beautiful Muggle pajamas."

Albus's grin became more evil than Voldemort's usual evil grin. "Do you want to make a bet?"

Voldemort grinned evilly, but his evil grin was nothing compared to the one that was on Albus's face. "Ooh! Bets, I love bets!"

"Okay so here are the rules..."

"Ooh! Rules, I love rules!"

"You get at least one girl to fall for you in what you're wearing…"

"Ooh! What I'm wearing, I love what I'm wearing!"

"Tommy boy, if you don't stop, the bet's off."

"Sorry. But you see, that's just my _style_."

Albus rolled his eyes and said, "So here's the deal. You get at least one person to fall for you in what you're wearing, and he or she—for convenience's sakes, let's call her a she—doesn't punch you, or her lover-soulmate-boyfriend-whatever does not resist or beat you up and accepts the pillow from you, then I will join the dark side and eat all the cookies I can possibly hold."

Voldemort's eyes started shining. "You…you'll j—_you'll join the dark side_?"

"Yes, they've got great cookies, I hear."

"IT'S A DEAL!" shouted Voldy, shaking Albus's hand enthusiastically.

Everybody holding an Extendable Ear recoiled in shock.

"_DUMBLEDORE, JOINING VOLDEMORT?_" screeched Hermione in despair. "Oh no, oh no, oh no, what are we going to DO?"

Everybody else was joining in Hermione's outburst. Snape was the only one who remained calm.

"Ugh, sometimes your utter stupidity amazes me," he said.

Everybody stopped bursting out and stared at Snape.

"Dumbledore obviously does not have much faith in the Dark Lord's womanizing abilities. The Dark Lord will lose the bet, and Dumbledore will be cookie-free."

Everybody reluctantly agreed with Snape, and Ginny sighed, "Oh, how I wish Luna and Neville were here to see this."

"Oh, we arrived ages ago," Luna said dreamily. "We were greeted by an extremely surprised-looking Harry."

Neville nodded and looked nervously around. "I really hope Voldemort isn't near me…" he said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, my dear boy, do I scare you?" asked Voldemort, who was standing right behind Neville.

Neville jumped, turned around, screamed, and jumped again straight into Luna's arms. She looked mildly surprised and put the boy back where he belonged on the floor.

"Now if you don't mind, I need a word with Ms. Lovegood over here."

"As long as you won't try to recruit me," said Luna, "then you may have as many words as you want. I like your outfit, Mr. Voldemort."

Voldemort's eyes started to shine. "SEE?" he asked of Albus. "SHE likes it!"

Albus rolled his eyes and proceeded to make himself comfortable. He transfigured a box of popcorn out of a stone and a cup of cola out of a pebble. Sipping his drink and munching on his popcorn, he started watching the amusing spectacle Voldemort was making of himself.

First, Rolf Scamander, met with a squawk from Harry, arrived precisely on time to punch Voldemort in the jaw after he tried to get Luna to take his heart-shaped pillow.

Next, Voldemort went up to Parvati, who had popped out from behind the bush a little while back. She remembered exactly what Moody had taught them in her fourth year, and she tried to kill him. Luckily for Voldemort, he was immortal, so he lived through it.

After that, Voldemort went to Hermione. Ron yelled a horrifying battle-cry and set a giant spider on him. Hermione blushed.

Then, Voldemort went to Ginny, but after seeing the angry expression on Harry's face, he ran away.

He bumped into Mrs. Weasley, who was holding her beloved clock, and received a bruise over his nose after trying to beg her to take the pillow.

"The clock was right!" Mrs. Weasley said frantically. "We all _are_ in mortal peril!"

Voldemort then resurrected Gellert Grindelwald from the dead, but after seeing Albus's eyes spark with fury, he decided that he would rather stick with the girls and re-killed Grindelwald.

Next, Voldemort asked Narcissa Malfoy, who, along with her entire family, had for some reason appeared from behind the bush. Draco kicked Voldemort in a place no man would ever like to be kicked, and Lucius tried to kill him, too. Narcissa also tried to kill him, but Voldemort was still immortal, luckily for him, otherwise by now he would have been an extra-concentrated ghost.

"Voldemort, you're just going to have to give this up," said Harry, amused. "Nobody likes you and—" His eyes popped and he interrupted himself. "HOLY OMFG IS THAT _BRITNEY SPEARS?!_"

Everybody turned their faces, and stared at the woman dressed in a revealing bunny costume.

Voldemort turned too, and decided it was time to resort to drastic means.

"Hello, you must be Britney Spears!" he said, walking up to her smoothly.

"Why, yes, I am, and who might you be? Nice bunnies, by the way, my whole concert is _revolving_ around bunnies today, because of my new hit single, '_The Bunny Song_'. I absolutely adore the shoes!"

Everybody was staring, with their mouths slightly open.

"Ginny, your 'womanizer' comment is making me rethink my life, and not in a good way," Harry said in horror. "_What if she wrote that song about Voldemort?!_"

"This is a _Britney Spears concert hall_? No _wonder_ Lupin looked embarrassed!" shouted Ron.

Lupin wandered over—"_HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN FIT BEHIND ONE BUSH?_" asked Harry, now thoroughly distraught—and once Lupin saw everybody, his eyes grew wide open, and he Disapparated.

There was an awkward silence, and to avoid looking at Voldemort and Britney, glanced at the walls. Once he realized that there were inappropriate pictures on the poster-clad wall, he decided to clap his hand over Hermione's eyes, and Hermione groaned.

"UGH, Ronald. I'm old enough to know better! Why would you close my eyes for me?"

"Because you're a sweet innocent young little girl, and I don't want your mind to be perverted with all that icky stuff!"

"Harry?" Ginny waved her hand in front of Harry's face, but he could not tear his eyes away from Britney Spears and Voldemort laughing, discussing baldness and how much good it had done for them.

Voldemort handed Britney Spears his beloved heart-shaped pillow, and she accepted it, giggling.

Dumbledore's jaw, popcorn and cola all dropped. The latter two tumbled down in slow motion.

"Why'd everything become so slow?" asked Hermione, slowly.

Dumbledore shook his head, slowly, and said, also slowly, "Oh, don't worry. I just slowed everything down for dramatic effect." He flicked his wand and things returned to normal speed.

McGonagall was staring, open-mouthed, at Voldy and Britney, who were now dancing intimately together onstage.

"Severus," she whimpered. "Am I a fool, or are He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-And-Yet-Is-Still-Called-Voldemort-By-Us-Badasses dancing _intimately_ with Britney Spears? And am I wrong, but weren't you wrong?"

Snape was also staring, open-mouthed, at Voldy and Britney. "You're no fool, I'm the fool. I was wrong."

Tears started rolling down Snape's cheeks. "LILY! Where are you when I need a shoulder to cry on?"

Harry screamed as the ghost of his mother popped out from behind the bush.

"Oh, Sev," she said, wiping off the tears from Severus's face, which were now tears of amazement.

Harry screamed at the sight of Snape and his mother.

"Lily…" whispered Severus, staring at her disbelievingly, "…it's you! I wished for you here, and here you are! My dream has come true! Who cares about Dumbledore joining the dark side anymore?"

"Speaking about me joining the dark side," said Dumbledore, "where are my cookies?"

Dobby popped up from behind the bush holding five plates of cookies stacked one on top of the other, and Harry was so speechless he could not say a word.

"Master, Dobby is so sorry he scared you, sir! But Dobby's _other_ master asked for cookies."

Dobby ran up to Professor Dumbledore and handed him the plates of cookies.

"Here, Professor Dumbledore sir, are your beautiful cookies! Dobby took the time out of his busy day, sir, to be watching the Malfoys prepare the cookies specially to make sure they did not poison Professor Dumbledore sir's cookies!"

Out popped the three Malfoys, to Harry's great despair.

"DOBBY!" shouted Lucius. "What are you doing here? You're disobeying my—"

Draco and Narcissa glared at Lucius.

"—_our_ orders!"

Dobby grinned. "But Dobby is not working for you Malfoys no more!"

Lucius reached out to punch Dobby hard. Hermione watched the scene with pain and anger in her eyes.

"NOOOOOOOO!" she shouted, jumping in slow motion between Dobby and Lucius.

Lucius froze, his hand still in a fist, also in slow motion.

"_Dduummbblleeddoorree!_" Severus growled, also slowly.

Dumbledore flicked his wand, and everything returned to normal speed. He sighed. "You all make life so boring." He took a bite out of a cookie.

Meanwhile, Lily and Snape were talking, although Lily's ghost looked extremely uncomfortable and angry indeed. "James," she cried, "I need you, save me from the grasp of a man who broke my heart by calling me a Mudblood and then joined the Death Eaters and still expected me to fall in requited love with him!"

James Potter appeared from behind the bush, but Harry ahd been too busy staring at the Malfoys vs. Dobby that he didn't notice.

"Oh, it's Snivellus." James smirked and grabbed ghost-Lily's arm, floating away. "Lily loves me, and I love her, and no one loves you. Sucks to suck, Snivelly!"

Snape burst into greasy tears.

Hermione glanced at him, appeared disgusted, and then resumed her tirade about promoting elfish welfare.

"S.P.E.W.!" she shouted, brandishing the badge angrily in the extremely surprised-looking Lucius's face.

"Spew?" asked Lucius, sneeringly.

"No! S-P-E-W!"

"And let me guess what that stands for!" said Lucius, enthusiastically. "Severus, Please Eat Well?"

Severus made a hissing noise in his throat.

"No?" asked Lucius. "Well then, is it Sandra, Put Everything Wherever?"

"Who's Sandra?" asked Ron, looking hopefully around. Hermione looked livid.

"Oh, I suppose not, then…is it the Sorority for Promiscuous, Elderly Women? Because I'd like that—" He broke off at the sight of Narcissa's fury.

"NO!" roared Hermione. "It stands for the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, and you'll do well to join!"

"Yes, yes! Listen to the kind ma'am…" said Dobby enthusiastically. His voice faded to nothingness after seeing the deathly glare on Lucius's face.

While Hermione ranted, Horace Slughorn, who had been forgotten in all of the hullabaloo, had found himself to be lost—that is, until the (still pantsless) man bumped into Voldemort, who was happily talking to Britney backstage.

Slughorn stared open-mouthed at the unlikely couple, who were giggling and acting very terrifyingly stupid together.

"_T-Tommy boy_?" asked Slughorn, incredulously.

Voldemort spun around, his wig ruffling in the air. "_Slughorn_? Horace Slughorn! My, my, Professor, it's been a _whiiiiiiiiiile_!"

Slughorn's eyes were popping out of his head. "Tommy boy! Since when do you dr—dress like this? I always thought you'd become Minister of Magic…and Ministers don't dr—dress like this!"

"Oh this? This is my new style. Ask Dumbledore. I treated him to a long lecture about my awesome new style."

"I thought you were a cool (evil, by the way) dude!" Slughorn cried.

"Well I still am a cool (evil, by the way) dude!"

"Aren't you a little _old_ to be playing make-believe?"

Voldemort paused.

"Yes, yes I am."

Meanwhile, Hermione was finally finishing her rant. "…And that's why I cut my hair."

Everybody was staring at her, their eyes slightly popping out. Even Harry was so busy staring at Hermione that when Lavender Brown popped out of the bush, he hardly even noticed.

There was an awkward silence. Snape coughed.

Lucius acted as if Hermione had not even spoken. "Dobby, what are you doing here?" he repeated.

"Dobby does not work for the Malfoys anymore!" said Dobby, and this time, he called, "CHARLIE WEASLEY!"

This time, Harry screamed like a girl when Charlie popped out from behind the bush.

"Charlie Weasley, at your service!" he said, saluting Dobby.

"Charlie Weasley, sir, Dobby is wanting you to bring Norbert-in-brackets-A here too, sir!" Dobby said happily.

Charlie dived into the bushes, only to return a moment later dragging a dragon by its tail. Harry screamed in fear, despair and any other synonymous words that can possibly describe the feeling. The rest of the group joined him this time.

"Norbert-in-brackets-A! Dobby's old masters, who are not Dobby's masters no longer, set their pants on fire!"

Norbert(a) huffed and puffed and blew the pants down.

"Now!" shouted Evil Dobby triumphantly. "I is banishing you all to ICELAND!"

And with a flash, the Malfoy family was gone.

There was a tense silence for a few seconds.

"Hooray!" cried Harry, Ron, and Hermione together.

"Let's throw a party," shouted Ron.

"Let's have a kiki!" shouted Voldemort, suddenly reappearing. "I wanna have a kiki."

"Lock the doors," said Severus.

Dumbledore said, "Tight."

"Let's have a kiki!" Voldemort sang.

"Motherfucker."

Everyone stared at Slughorn, who just shrugged. "It's in the song."

Voldemort grinned widely. "Let me grab my cloak and wave it around in the air, hang on a second."

"Yes, we shall throw a party," said Severus. He turned towards Lily, who had reappeared. "Lily, let us go dance."

"No way!" cried Lily, just as James Potter popped out from behind the bush again and grabbed a distraught Lily away from Severus, completely disregarding his terrified son who was now screaming at an inanimate object.

"_WHAT IS UP WITH THIS BUSH?_"Harry shouted, kicking and screaming frantically.

Everybody finally noticed Harry's predicament, and looked expectantly at Minerva.

Minerva simply said, "Oh, that's the ice rink."

"But…but…_HOW COULD AN ICE RINK FIT BEHIND THAT BUSH?_" Harry blared frantically.

"Oh, no, you have to get really tiny…" said Severus, and pulled out his handy-dandy magnifying glass.

And there, Harry could see the tiniest ice-rink imaginable.

"But how do you get that small?" asked Harry, who had never felt more confused in his entire life.

"Haven't you learned _anything_ at Hogwarts?" asked Snape, annoyed.

"Like this, see? _Reducio_!" said Filius, as he shrunk everybody, including Albus, who was still gorging himself with cookies.

And they all found themselves in the ice rink.

Everybody looked around, awestruck. It was a glittering place full of large, white heaps of snow.

Ginny looked at Harry with gleaming eyes. "Oh, Harry! Isn't this so _romantic_?"

But Harry was a bit more distracted by a large shape heading towards them in the snow.

"It's a mammoth! No—a whale! No, it's a Saber Toothed Tiger! OR A COMBINATION OF ALL THREE!"

Everybody turned their faces towards the figure rising out of the fog.

"IT _IS_ A COMBINATION OF ALL THREE!" shouted a terrified Ron. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Everybody had begun to run when they heard Hagrid's voice shout out at them. "A mammoth? A whale? A SABER TOOTHED TIGER? That's it, I'm gettin' outta here, this 'ere's no place for a gen'le ole man like meself!"

And it was only then that everyone realized that what they perceived to be a combination of a Mammoth, Whale, and Sabertoothed Tiger was nobody other than their own beloved Hagrid, and they all decided not to point that fact out to him.

Suddenly, a squeaky little voice asked, "Are you Santy Claus?"

Albus looked around his newly acquired stomach and said, "Oh, young innocent child, I used to be Santa Claus for a while, but then I went on a diet. I lost forty pounds in a month! Now I am the headmaster at a school of magic."

The child's reaction was heartbroken. "You know, you could have just said you weren't Santa…" he said, walking away dejectedly, with his head down.

There was an awkward pause, and Minerva broke it by saying, "Erm, Albus, isn't that the kid who called you racist?"

And Albus shouted, "OH YES, YES IT IS! COME HERE YOU LITTLE SISSY!"

The boy looked back at ex-Santa Claus, terrified, and began to run away.

Albus tried to get up but stumbled over his fat. He rolled over onto his stomach and saw a sight that made him scream in terror.

And once everybody turned around, they saw a sight that they would have rather been killed than seen…

Britney Spears was ice-skating with Lord Voldemort.


End file.
